


I'm just trying to be brave

by samathaGreen



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King, IT Chapter 2, IT-(2017), IT-(2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Hanscom Loves Beverly Marsh, Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Bisexual Bill Denbrough, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Panic, Gay Richie Tozier, Gay Stanley Uris, Happy, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mike Hanlon is a Good Friend, Reddie, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier Needs a Hug, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Sad, Sassy Stanley Uris, but not really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-21 01:49:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21291653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samathaGreen/pseuds/samathaGreen
Summary: Richie Tozier's just a normal high school sophomore with a massive crush on his best friend. He's got a lot of secrets that know one knows about, but do they?Chapter 1: Richie Tozier has been having nightmares for about a month now, his friends are worried about him, but he's fine, isn't he?Chapter 2: Today is a boring day, but last night Eddie fought with his mom.Chapter 3: Richie is self destructive, but no one knows, can he hide it well enough?
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier, Bill Denbrough & Richie Tozier, Bill Denbrough & Stanley Uris, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak & The Losers Club, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Mike Hanlon & Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier & Everyone, The Losers Club & Beverly Marsh, The Losers Club & Richie Tozier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	1. I stay up all night (tell myself i'm alright)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!! This is my first fic on Archive!! I relate to Richie so god damn much oml, gay, in love with my best friend, talks way to much, has Adhd. I thought that I would write some Richie angst, but with a nice ending. Everything that will happen in this story is based of stuff that has happened to me in my own personal life. There is reference to self harm, suicide attempt, and alcohol use. If any of this triggers you please don't read. This first chapter doesn't have any sad stuff in it so enjoy. This is gonna be good. Also Reddie rights!!!!

Chapter 1:

_"I stay up all night_

_Tell myself i'm alright _

_Baby you're just harder to see than most"_

_***_

Richie was sat up, his back resting on his bed frame, his feet dangling off the bed, he was getting too tall for this shit. The most recent spider-man comic book collection scattered across his blue carpeted floor, a bottle of booze in his bony hand, half drank, making the whole room reek of rubbing alcohol. He took a swig and put it behind his bed, making sure that his parents would never find it. As if his parents would even care that he was practically an alcoholic at this point in his teenage life. He unplugged his phone, shoved his headphones in and started listening to his “C’est la vie” playlist on apple music. He took french in grade 9, last year, and he thinks he's mastered the whole damn language. He turned off his fancy little side table lamp and went to bed. Tomorrow would be another day, everything will be alright he thought, and went to bed.

_He was in a car, a mini van to be exact, he was driving down a road he knew, there was Bill’s house, the garage open, but he didn't stop going. He looked down to his feet and noticed the break had vanished from the car. His heart starting beating faster, going a mile a minute, he took his foot of the gas but nothing happened, he kept going. He had no control, the car kept rolling down the street, getting faster and faster, his head pounding harder and harder. A truck was making its way across the street coming up. Richie tried to take his seatbelt off and jump out of the car, but it was no use, he was practically glued to the seat, he was getting closer and closer to the truck, he could feel the sweat running down his back. He closed his eyes to brace the impact and-_

He sat up, his heart pounding out of his chest, the retainer in his mouth popped out onto the grey and white duvet and he quickly ran to the bathroom, placing his hand on the sink and gripping it so tight his knuckles turned white.

He’d been having this dream for the past month, everyday, the same thing, but never this bad, most of the time he was able to get out of the car or steer out of the way, but this time, this time he couldn’t. It had never gotten to the point of him actually dying. He read somewhere that you can’t die in dreams because you don't know what it actually feels like. That would explain why he woke up after, after he hit the truck, but he didn't actually hit it, he just felt like he did.

Richie slowly lowered himself onto the bathroom floor, the cold tile helping him calm down. He checked his watch: 7:30. Fuck, he had slept in. God this day could literally not get any worse he thought. He made his way to his closest and grabbed the cleanest outfit he could find, black skinny jeans and a blue hoodie. He shoved the crumpled pieces of homework on his desk into his backpack. Richie never really cared about doing his homework, don’t get me wrong he was a good student, just not a particularly organized one that is.

He grabbed the nearest socks from him and put them up to his nose, they smelt clean enough to wear again today, and he put them on, followed by a pair of old engineer boots he found in his dads closest about a year ago. They were snug but they fit well enough. He made his way to the one window in his room and gave it a whack and opened it. Nothing in his house worked without a little bit of help, himself and his parents included. He shimmied out of his room and closed the window behind him, trying to be as quiet as possible, making sure to not wake his parents.

Richie grabbed his bike from the side yard outside his room and swung his leg over it, his bike was getting a little short for him, but to be honest everything was. Over the past 2 years Richie has become the tallest of his friends, winning by a mile, literally a mile. At 13 Richie was only a little bit over 5 feet, but now at 15 he was 6’3, towering over all his friends. It amused him really, how much taller he was, especially when it came to Eddie. God, Eddie was less than 5 feet for years, Richie always liked to point that out. Eddie was only 5’7 making Richie a full 8 inches taller than him. Eddie used this to his advantage though, hugging him around his waist, making Richie’s heart leap out of his chest and his cheeks burn.

Richie always had had a soft spot for Eddie, or Eds as he liked to call him. They met when they were 7. Richie threw sand at some other kid in the sand box, that kid later turning out to be Stanley Uris, his other best friend. Eddie watched from the bench, he was just siting over there on the bench, all innocent and clean, his clothes had virtually no wrinkles and he was wearing some weird thing around his waist, which later Richie would learn was a fanny pack. He watched it happen, and didn't do anything about it, and thats when Richie knew he just had to know this guy.

As the years moved on they got closer and closer, being each others anchors, being there for each other when shit got really hard, when Eddie’s dad died, to when Richie’s parents didn't come home for 3 weeks. They went through everything together, and IT just brought them so much closer. They sat together in the hammock, shared comic books, slept over at each others house basically each night, ate each others lunch, they were best friends. They will never stop being best friends.

He rode his bike quickly to school, almost getting hit by a car on Ranleigh avenue on the way there. He parked his bike in the one bike rack Derry high school owned, since most people walked because this town was so freakishly small. He clasped his lock onto the bike and walked, more like ran towards the blue double doors leading into the school. He had english first with Mrs.Carylsley, she would not be happy if he was late. She was an old scottish lady and her skin looked like leather, she did this thing were at the beginning of class you couldn't sit down and would have to say “Good morning Mrs.Carysley.” or “Good afternoon Mrs.Carylsley” before you could sit down. If you weren't there for that you were dead.

His shoved his way through the crowded hallway towards his locker, he hated where his locker was, next to all the 9th graders, ewww, they reeked of pre pubescentness. He wished he was closer to his friends, the only one near him was Stan the man, and thank god for that, he would never make it to class on time if it wasn't for Stan.

Richie opened his locker and grabbed his english notes and his copy of Macbeth, he absolutely hated Shakespeare, and made his way to room 108 wear he would need to listen to Mrs.Carysley talk about the importance of a dagger for and hour. At least he has this class with Ben and he wouldn't actually die of boredom. Right as he walked in to the class the bell rung, he dropped his heavy ass bag on the floor and listened to the announcements.

“Today is Taco Tuesday, so make sure to get your tacos today at lunch!”

He never really paid any attention to the announcement because they were never really important to him. His eyes flickering around the room trying to distract himself from letting his mind travel and think about the dream he had last night and he sent Ben a look from across the room showing him that he was already done with the day. The announcements ended quickly and he waited for Mrs.Carylsley to address them.

“Good morning students.”

“Good morning Mrs.Carylsley.” He scoffed and plopped down into his chair, this was gonna be a long day.


	2. Let's have and adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todays a boring day and everyone knows it, but last night Eddie fought with his mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya'll, I woke up this morning to see that like 90 people have read my stuff, that's literally insane. Today is another chill chapter, Richie loves Eddie, just gonna say that. I'm going on vacation for a few day so I wrote this chapter real quick just so ya'll can have something while i'm gone for a few day. Hope you guys enjoy.

_“Use the sleeves of my sweater _

_Let's have an adventure_

_ Head in the clouds but my gravity's centered”_

The bell signalling lunch was like a gift from god, this morning felt like it went on forever, English, History and Biology, lunch was a break Richie knew he needed at this point in the day. After lunch he had physics, chemistry and math, he didn’t understand why they would put all these subjects in one day, but he dealt with it, only 4 more hours of school, one of those being lunch. 

The losers table, one which they acquired at the start of freshman year was bolted up against the wall covered from bottom to top with giant windows, allowing them to observe things that went on around the school. Richie considered the losers club observers, they watched and learned rather than putting themselves out there. It didn’t bother him that almost all of his friends weren’t the most socially smart people ever. He was most definitely the most boisterous of the bunch. 

***

There was Bill, the sort of leader of their little group, he was Richie’s first actual friend, they met in PK. Bill made all the plans, knowing that no one would show up if he didn’t schedule them perfectly. He was the smartest of the losers club by far, people who didn't know them would think that Stan held that title, but it was Bill that was really the brains of the operation. 

Next came along Eddie, we all already know how Richie feels about this one. Everyone knew he was so hopelessly in love with Eddie except for well, Eddie. Eddie made Richie’s heart skip a beat anytime he was around him, he cheeks would go a light shade of pink and he would fiddle with his glasses, a sort of nervous tick he picked up as a kid.

Then came Stan, also known to Richie as Stanley Urine. Richie was a real meanie to Stanley when they were growing up, he never really understood why Bill latched onto Stan so much, he was worried that his best friend would leave him to hang out with Stan more often.As he grew up he realized Stan wasn’t actually trying to steal Bill, and they eventually became the best of friends. They were gossip buddies, spilling everything about anything. Stanley was the first one Richie told about his feelings and shit about Eds, he made Stan promise not to say anythings and he did, because thats what friends do. 

Ben was the next addition to the small group of friends. Richie liked Ben a lot, he was a nerd but Rich liked that about him, he always had something to talk to him about. Richie knew about Ben’s massive crush on Beverly, it was something even Bev knew about, but Ben was a shy guy and never really thought of himself of deserving someone like Bev, which he totally did. Richie and Ben bonded over new kids on the block. Richie wasn’t a fan until one day he heard it blasting in the clubhouse and told Ben to turn it up even louder making everyone else ears bleed.

Bev came next, god Bev was a real one, the realest you could get, and Richie was happy about that. He enjoyed his nicknames he gave her, Molly Ringwald being his favourite, he would use it constantly to the annoyance of every other loser. Richie loved nicknames. Bev would sneak out to the quarry with Richie a few times a week to drink, her and Rich went through a lot of the same shit, making them want to escape for a little while. Them two, a bottle of booze, the cool breeze of the quarry, that was what he thrived on, and so did Beverly.

Mikey was the last and final member to join the losers club. Richie remembered the day they found Mike, he was being punched in the face by the bowers gang and all Richie could do was try to help him, he knew what it felt like to have the bowers gang attacking him constantly. Richie had this sort of motherly attitude towards Mike, always making sure he was okay and if anything was happening. Mike cared about Richie in return, letting him stay over at his house and letting him work at the farm to earn him some money for college. 

***

Richie quickly grabbed a somewhat healthy lunch, a grilled cheese, with ketchup on the side of course, an apple and some chocolate milk. His doctor told him he was lactose intolerant, but he didn’t care, he loved dairy and screw anyone who told him he couldn’t have it. He knew his stomach would get him back for this later, but for now he was happy and snarfing down ooey gooey cheese. 

Most lunches he sat next to Eddie, stealing some of his chocolate pudding every once in a while. Sometimes Eddie would even pack an extra one just for him, but today Eddie didn't show at lunch, Richie worried per usual where he was.

“Where the fuck is he, didn’t he just have calculus or something, fucking smart bitch.”

“Whoa Rich calm down I just sat next to him in comp tech. He said he had to go talk to Mr.Russel about his test mark, its probably not even that bad, he probs got like a 92 but he's just being annoying this morning.” Bev said while taking her regular seat next to the window sitting next to Ben. 

“What do you mean he was being annoying this morning, isn’t he alway annoying?” Stan added, making his way to sit next to Richie, slamming his bird printed lunch bag on the table. Stan always had his lunch packed, guess that’s what you get when your parents actually care about you.

“So i’m being annoying I hear?” 

Richie sprung up and grabbed Eddie and forced him down into the spot next to him. He stared at him a little to long and Eddie wasn’t having it. 

“Hello! Earth to trashmouth, you in there?” 

Richie snapped back to real life, god he was falling harder and harder everyday, one day he was gonna hit pavement and it was gonna hurt. 

“Eds, is everything good? Are you sick, you look sick, ewww you smell rank!”

“One, don't call me that. Two, no I'm not sick. Three, you’re a dick and four, you are once again a dick! I’m fine, just got in a fight with my mom last night about school, she said I was wasting the good money that she’s spending to send me hear and yada yada yada. I said I didn’t wanna talk about school and slammed the door in her face, she's probably not to happy about that, but I don’t know since I snuck out of my window this morning.”

“Whoa Eddies a rebel now, this calls for a celebration. Tonight, seven o'clock at the quarry, we’ll meet there.” As Big Bill spoke the bell rang and busted everyones eardrums, lunch was over and it was back to being bored for the rest of the day. He started walking down the hall out of the cafeteria and Bill shouted after him.

“Don’t be late!” 


	3. And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie is self destructive, but no one knows, can he keep it a secret forever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Wow this fic is actually doing well, I really didn't expect that for my first fic! This chapter has some touchy stuff on underage drinking and drug use, but thats kind of it. Ya'll know how I said this is based of my life, very lightly based though, my parents are not abusive nor are they alcoholics, but some of my extended family are and i'm writing as someone who knows what addiction does to someone, but the things that Richie does are based completely on me. I'm still trying to figure out where I want this story to go, so enjoy some sad Richie stuff, I want to give him a big hug. Hope you guys enjoy!!

"Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone  
We’re setting fire to our insides for fun" 

***

As the final bell rang throughout the school, kids were already grabbing their bags and were halfway out the door, those people being Richie and Eddie. They both had math last period with Mr.Bearnic, one of the best math teachers in the whole world, he actually made math interesting, making it Richie and Eddie’s favourite class, also because it was one of the few that they had together. 

They quickly hurried to get to their lockers, going to Eddies first, since his was basically at the other end of the school and then they would make their way back to Richie’s which was right near the exit to the parking lot with the bike rack they used.

Eddie shoved his biology book and binder into his bag and gently closed his locker double checking to make sure it was locked. One day he was in such a rush, and Richie was making him laugh, he forgot to lock it. To summarize that story, getting all your stuff stolen and having to re-buy all your school stuff makes you check twice if its really locked. 

Walking all the way up 3 flights of stairs and down a whole hallway filled with people made Eddie the tiniest bit aggravated, because he just wanted to get home and do his homework, but today he promised Richie that he would come with him. They shoved their way past the grade 9’s that were practically taking up the entire hallway, when they finally got to Richie’s locker. He seemed quieter than before, now itching at his legs, Eddie passed it off as a good case of cheap jeans made out of bad fabric. 

Richie was opening his locker slowing than a fucking turtle. 

“Hey, dickwad, can you hurry it up? I gotta get home and finish up my french homework.” 

Eddie had a magical touch with the languages, he took spanish, french and german, he didn’t really know why Eddie enjoyed those classes so much, because to Richie they were boring as fuck, but he loved seeing Eddie so excited about a new word that he had learned or some new cultural project. The way his eyes lit up when he was talking about something he was passionate about was one of the many reason Richie had fallen for his best friend. Thinking about his cute little nose buried in a german textbook, being able to see the reflection of the words on the page in his eyes made his heart ache because he knew nothing would ever happen. He knew that Eddie liked girls, not guys, why was he so stupid, god anything to get his mind of of this-

“Richard, hurry up!” Eddie shouted, not being funny this time making Richie flinch a little. Richie was always kind of scared when people would yell. 

All of a sudden Eddie made a grab for his wrist to drag him along and Richie pulled away abruptly, stepping back and dropping his papers all over the floor. Eddie stared at him with those big loving eyes and helped him grab the few papers that were now riddled across the 3 floor hallway. Richie got on his knees and grabbed a few, making sure not to look at Eddie because that would only make him want to cry, and god he didn’t want to cry. Not today. Today was supposed to be a good day, they were meeting at the quarry for god’s sake in 3 hours and now that they were in their second last year of high school this was special. He planned on having a good day, for once in his life could he just have one good day? 

He slammed his locker shut and practically ran to the stairs hoping Eddie wouldn’t follow him. Stairs were a hassle to run down when you had tears in your eyes. 

Eddie didn’t follow him, probably due to the shocked state that Richie had left him in. This wasn’t really a thing Richie did and Eddie knew it, thats probably why he stood in the middle of the deserted school hallway holding someone else’s english homework. Eddie decided to leave it be, he grabbed his backpack off the floor and swung in onto his back. He headed in the same direction Richie had gone, wishing that maybe Richie had stopped running and stayed in the staircase, but when Eddie reached the bottom and he still hadn't seen Richie, he gave up and headed out the big blue doors that lead to the parking lot. His bike stood alone, weird to see it like that, usually Richie’s was right there next to his. 

***

Richie’s house 20 minutes later.

***

When Richie got home, his parents weren’t there, no shock to him thought, they never were. He threw his bike onto the front yard, not caring if the damn thing broke because he didn’t care anymore, not about his bike, not about school, not about anything. School had become an afterthought, assignments were handed in late, barely completed, tests were thrown out instead of looked at for the mark. It got to the point in which Richie didn’t even really try to go to school, he skipped a lot nowadays, always heading back home. He would never get caught considering his parents were never there. After school flew out the window, then came self care. Alcohol, cigarettes, weed, anything Richie could get a hold of he was all over it, none of his friends knew that of course, he was good at keeping secrets. When Richie gave up caring, that was when everything came crashing down around him, but he didn’t show it. Putting on a smile everyday and making the same mom jokes all the time was fun, but it was hard. Having something eating away at you but not being able to be vulnerable because you were the funny one, the strong one, the brave one, “Oh nothing can hurt our Richie.” Bev had said once, maybe that was true a year ago, but not anymore. 

Riche was good and keeping secrets and everyone came to him for their own. Ben when he told him he was in love with Beverly, Stan when he told Richie he was gay, Eddie when he told him that he had thought about running away from his mom and catching the next bus out of town, Richie was there for it all. When someone keeps everything in, not being able to tell anyone anything, it takes its toll. Not much to do but just try to live your life like you don’t know anything about anything, drinking to forget, vomiting the next morning and wondering why you can’t remember anything that happened last night. 

Richie ran through his house and bolted up the stairs, a half drunk bottle of vodka was waiting and calling his name from his room. The door to his room was slammed behind him and locked and he jumped onto the bed reaching his skinny arm behind the bed frame, skimming the floor to find the drink. His hand hit something hard and he grabbed it quickly and retracted his arm from the small space. The cap was turned rapidly of the bottle and he took a swig, hissing at the taste. Good vodka wasn’t cheap, and this shit was garbage, 20 bucks, he got it off some guy he knew at school, but it did the trick. The burning in his throat calmed him in an unsettling way. Maybe he was an alcoholic, guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. 

When the bottle was finished Richie went to take a shower, wanting to make sure he didn’t reek of alcohol when he saw his friends later that night. It was already 6 and he knew it would take him exactly 23 minutes and 43 seconds to get to the quarry, so he hopped in the shower, the hot water burning his skin. Richie used his lavender shampoo and conditioner, had to keep that hair looking good, and used some manly smelling body wash, it was some old spice stuff he stole from his dad, the latter not being very pleased about that. 

When he stepped onto the cushy floral bath mat laid down on the bathroom floor, to make sure he didn’t slip, he checked his phone and saw that his shower went on for a little longer than he has expected. He let his towel drop onto the floor, giving himself more of a mess to clean up later. He hastily picked up whatever outfit was laying around on his bedroom floor and pulled it over himself, the fabric sticking to him because his skin was still wet, he didn’t have enough time to completely dry himself off.

Richie was still drunk, I mean what did he expect after drinking half a bottle of vodka in less than 2 hours, his vision was a little blurry and he couldn’t walk in a straight line, but he was fine, right? He sprayed some minty shit he bought from the dollar store into his mouth and hopped down the stairs while trying to get his right shoe on. He snatched a bag of chips from the countertop and tumbled out the door, trying to stand upright while being completely shit faced was kinda hard. His bike was still laying on the grass so he pulled it up using all his strength and swung his left leg over it. Could you get arrested for biking drunk, maybe he’ll find out tonight.

The ride over to the quarry was long, longer than it usually took. Richie came close to spilling his guts at the side of the road a number of times but kept biking. He was so tempted to just crack open the bag of chips and chill in the middle of the road and just eat the whole bag, but that was his drunk mind talking. 

Being the last one to get there was usually his thing, but he was never this late before, a whole 45 minutes late. Being the last to come also came with the consequences of everyone noticing that you weren’t there in the first place and then having to give them an explanation to where the hell he had been were. 

Bev was sitting on a tree stump when he got there, the other guys splashing and climbing on top of each other in the dirty water at the bottom of the cliff, something Eddie would have squawked about years ago but was finally accepting that it didn’t matter if it was gross, he could still have fun. 

“Rich, where have you been, I'm so disappointed in you, you’ve worried us sick!” Bev shouted, trying to hold in the laughter, her mouth quirking up at the sides barely being able to stop herself from bursting into a fit of laughs. 

“You got me there Molly.” 

“But like for real, we waited at least like 20 minutes for you, Bill gave up and jumped in and the the rest followed suit. I opted out due to the fact that my wonderful uterus has decided to beat me up.” She added, patting the grass next to her, motioning for him to come sit down. 

He made his way over there very slowly trying not to sway to much, attempting not to raise any suspicion of being filled to the brim with vodka. His butt his the grub with a loud thud and he let out a small oof. 

“Ahhh, isn’t it nice being her milady?” He whispered in his best british accent, enjoying the nice sunlit glow casted across Beverly’s face, making her eyes sparkle and her hair shine.

Bev caught a whiff of Richie's breath as he spoke and leaned away from him. God he reeked of alcohol she thought.

“Richie?”

“Yeah?” He asked back, a small smile growing on his face.

“Are you drunk?” 

His smirk fell, his eyes losing the light they held, his chin falling into his neck. Fuck, did he not cover it up well enough, he could say no but she wouldn’t believe it. Maybe he could say his dad was drinking again, but that would make her sad and she would tell everyone else about it, perhaps it was just his shampoo.

“Maybe?”


End file.
